23 years ago tonight
Nov. 20, 2007
I remember Grammie Arlene used to comment on everyone’s birthday, “15 (or however many years ago it was) years ago tonight, I remember. . . ” Well 23 years ago tonight, I remember going into labor and delivering my son Joel the next day:
I went to choir practice that evening and told everyone that I was going to go in labor later that evening. They all laughed, thinking that I was just making wild predications. Little did they know that I had been to the doctor’s earlier that day and was told that I was in the early stages of labor. So Joel’s life started with me singing to God and I’ve tried to never stop.
Joel came at a difficult time in our lives. Our 4 year old son Luke had been diagnosed with cancer of the eye about 3 weeks before I had learned that I was pregnant with Joel. We had taken the church youth group on a trip (about 60 people!) to Washington, DC that spring and I got sick. Well, we had just found out about Luke, everyone else was sick, so I didn’t catch on that I was pregnant until we returned home.
Luke had had brain and optic nerve surgery in May. I remember the 10 days in the pediatric special care wing at the Maine Medical Center, traumatic in themselves, but very unpleasant because I had such bad morning sickness. We brought Luke home praising God for his life. Many young children never really left the pediatric wing from their cancers. Our baby had lost the vision in his left eye, but we had him.
I went to the hospital about 2 in the morning. Our 69 Chevy Impala had a broken radiator so we had to call my parents to borrow their car. Paul and the nurse were busy looking at the paper on the fetal heart monitor when I announced, “He’s coming!” They both looked at me like I was crazy. I was still in the hospital bed and hadn’t been moved to the delivery room yet. So I just laid there and pretty soon his head starts pushing through. You should have seen them jump!
The next day was Thanksgiving, so Joel and I pretty much were together alone while the family ate Thanksgiving dinner and hunted. Sometimes I try so hard to remember those first minutes, days, months, years. They just get all muddled with life.
A couple of weeks ago I was lieing in bed thinking about Joel as a baby. I had been crying, but then I started to calm down. I’ve learned that if I breath just right and focus all my attention on a picture or a song that I can sometimes recapture a sound, a vision, a touch, a smell. I can’t do it often, but that night, I remembered how he felt as an infant laying on my chest. It was the strangest feeling to feel a baby inside you and then the next day outside you, but it still felt like the same little kicks and twists. But like Joel’s 22 1/2 years, the memory of how he felt as a baby quickly disappeared.
I’m in Lee this week on vacation from Monterrey, Mexico. I knew I had to come and it was an obsession–since Joel had died on my birthday, I had to be at his grave site on his. I had missed the delivery of the tombstone, so I hadn’t seen it before. There’s a little snow on it. Kevin and Amelia, my nephew and niece, picked out a candle and a wrought iron snowman head and decorated the grave. The ground is hard, so Paul had to help get the snowman anchored in the ground. I have a song by Kelly Lang called “Good-bye, Darling” that I have adapted and sing that helps me express my feelings.
Joy is coming from Tampa tomorrow and we are going to have a graveside birthday party. We’ve tried to keep the candle burning through the night, but it’s been windy and snowy, so it goes out sometimes. I’m not really sure how to have a birthday party for Joel. I think I’m going to buy roses and have each person who comes say something and then lay the rose down on the grave.
Another box of Joel’s belongings arrived at our Army Grievance Officer, Major Harmon’s office, so tomorrow as a family we will open a box of Joel’s things as a family. It’s very hard to touch, to see the things that belong to Joel and know that they are the last things we will have of his.
Paul and I have decided that we aren’t ready to get rid of his stuff, yet, but it sure is all over the house. I’ve been trying to arrange it all week. I don’t mind. I keep hoping for one of those quick memories that touch me by being with his stuff. Today I organized his medals, certificates, flags, etc. and made a little room in the dining room to commemorate him.
So 23 years ago tonight, I went into delivery. On November 21, 1984 a true American hero was born. He’s spending his first birthday and his first Thanksgiving in Heaven. I know I can count on Grammie Arlene telling him, “23 years ago tonight, Joel, your mom went to choir practice and told them all you were gonna be born that night!” The next day is Thanksgiving, and I’m a little jealous of Joel because he gets to eat Grammie Arlene’s pies.
But we’re gonna do our best to remember your birthday here because there’s an awfully big hole in our lives that you left.
Happy Birthday, Joel!
November 22. 2007
Joel’s family and friends gathered tonight at the cemetary plot to wish him a Happy Birthday and to remember him. Those attending were Paul House (Lee), Dee House (Monterrey, Mexico), Luke House (Lee), Joy House (Tampa, FL), Mike Mitchell (Tampa, FL), Aunt Elaine Carey (Lincoln), Stephanie Gifford (Farmington), Justin Gifford (Farmington), Aunt Kathy, Uncle Joshua, Amelia and Kevin Crise (Lee), Uncle Rabbit and Aunt Polly House (Lee), Brandon Ham (Lee), Ruth Worster (Lee), Carole Potts (Lee).
A candle has been lit on Joel’s grave all week. Tonight when we arrived, well after dark, one of the wicks was still burning since last night even though it had snowed. We lit additional candles and each person shared a song, a memory, or a Happy Birthday before placing a rose on the grave. Dee sang an adaptation to Kelly Lang’s “Hello, Darling” and Kevin sang, “I’m in the Lord’s Army”. People remembered Joel as a young boy, a young man, as a Christian testimony, and as a national hero.
After the service, Polly and Rabbit came over to visit with Joy and her new boyfriend Mitch for a while. Then Paul, Dee, Luke, Joy, and Mitch went to Wing Wah’s in Lincoln and we ordered a double PuPu platter. Joel loved Asian food, but for us there just wasn’t the appetite. We brought home a ton of left overs.
Joy and Mitch arrived in Bangor 3 hours late because their flight on Allegiant Airlines was delayed due to mechanical problems. Dee went shopping at Marshalls. The quality and price of clothes in Mexico is limiting, so she is trying to get her winter clothes shopping done while home for the week. Kathy, Josh, Kevin, and Amelia went with Luke, Dee, and Paul to meet Joy and Mitch at the airport.
Dee, Luke, and Paul met our Army Casualty Officer, Major Sean Harmon at the Army National Guard before Joy and Mitch arrived. A small box had arrived from Iraq for us to inventory with him. We received several honor coins (Army traditions), patches, his Purple Heart and citation from his injuries in February, a Bible with a note from Sgt. Smith that was so appreciated by us. Dee has organized many of Joel’s honors in a small room for guests to view.
Major Harman is deploying to Afghanistan next month for a year. He leaves a wife and school age boy. We will keep him in our prayers.
Kevin, age 7, summed it up for us at the grave site this evening, “When we were lighting the big candle on Monday, Aunt Dee said Joel would love to be here lighting fires. I think he would have loved to have been here with all the candles burning.”
Joel loved his family and his favorite way to celebrate his birthday was always to have his family come over for cake and ice cream and just visit. He was 20 years old when we were together for his last birthday. The world has sure changed for the House family during these past 3 years.
Luke, Justin, and Kevin were playing James Bond Nintendo tonight, Joel. Justin’s memory was how you guys used to play it in your room all night.I remember town kids and exchange students from all over the world used to like to challenge you to Bond. You were unstoppable! How I wish life was like a video game and when the hero died, you could just reset the button and start all over again. I miss you, Joel, more than I can say, more than I can write. Tomorrow we go through Thanksgiving without you. It just keeps getting sadder and sadder.
Thanksgiving is for Thanks Giving
Today the families of the 3 sisters got together for Thanksgiving at Aunt Kathy’s. Joel, we missed you there a lot. Your sister Joy remembered the video Uncle Alton took on June 16, 1988 at camp of all you kids swimming. Joy went to Grammy Nancy’s and dug it out of storage, and we played the whole thing. You were 3 that summer. You wore water wings and jumped bravely into the water and swam with the older kids. You had your little Army short hair cut. I loved the way the little nubbies tickled my nose when I kissed you sweet little head.
One thing I have to be thankful for this year is that I was able to see your body and touch you when you came back from war. Your buddy Derek’s mom told me that she didn’t get to see him when he returned. My last memory of you is rubbing that nubby Army hair of yours, just like when you were 3 that summer.
We ate pie. The girls played Scrabble. The boys watched the new Transformers movie. Dad & I went to your cemetery to be with you a little while afterwards. It’s pouring rain and the candle surely won’t stay lit long tonight.
Amanda called from N. Dakota. Maddox was sleeping and she was getting ready to go play a game with a girl friend. I know Jeremy called his mother, but I didn’t talk to him. We missed seeing them this year at Thanksgiving.
I wish I had some pithy saying or magic words that would make this blog entry very touching and readable. I don’t. I just have this huge hurt in my chest that comes from the emptiness I feel with you gone. That emptiness doesn’t have words yet. It doesn’t have a story. So I’ll close with just telling you for the millionth time how much we, how much I, miss you.
Deannahouse's Blog 
Leave a Reply